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I relapsed last Saturday after 6 days. Today my badge changed from smiley to 1 week. I conciously named myself "Man With Willpower", 'coz I want to feel like that. I wanted not to look at any porn this month, but mostly I don't want to PMO and fap. I gotta stay strong. Now I'm gonna ride a stationary bicycle to use the energy these NSFW things put into me. (Also I installed "Reddit Mutilator" - when I know I CAN go to the stimulating sites it's hard to stop me, I think...)
Me (30m) and my gf (31f) are in a downward spiral, and it is my fault
Long time lurker - This is going to be a long one, but I really need anyone’s help/advice on this as it has been eating away at me for weeks now. My SO other posted something similar in separate group which I am aware of. We are open. Before I get started – I (M) let’s say roughly late 20’s/early 30s and my GF (I will call her “Jen”) same age range. As of recently we have not been doing so hot and it is because of my doubt in our relationship, but mostly doubt in me. I know no one here knows me, but it is still really hard for me to type this, but I am crushed and need help.
I first met Jen at our work (at the time). She was a sweet, giggly, short girl who went on lunch with us after she started. To be honest, she was not 100% my type (and I wasn’t hers). w/o going into a ton of detail, Jen was very introverted, and I am very extroverted. I thought she was cute but did pursue much. I honestly thought I was slipping into the friend zone with her after a few lunches until she pulled the “so we should hook up card”.
Pause, Part 1 –I suffer from male performance anxiety (PA we will call it). Meaning in the past I have not been able to perform (or keep it up) due to anxiety. This is a big part of the story. This is something I think about 24/7. I was taking “male” pills at the time that honestly worked for the most part as long as I was in a halfway relaxed during a sexual event. Not sure how much of this is placebo.
I was down and we started hooking up A LOT. I was taking these pills almost every encounter and I could trick my mind into “thinking” they’d last 24hrs (more like 4 the bottle said), when in reality idk if they even do anything. It was very stressful to try to time, predict when I needed to take one, and the side effects were not fun, but I really wanted to impress Jen as I felt she was expecting it and that was “who I was”. Still to this day, Jen is the best sex I have ever had. This went on for over a month and after a while, I started to not need the pills all the time, but most to be sure and boost my confidence. We would hook up, chill, she got me into a tv show, and we would go out together (which I thought she liked). but I felt guilty.
Pause, Part 2 – (I am praying the mods don’t take this down so please google if unfamiliar) I am HSV2 +. I got it about a year before meeting Jen. I take meds for it which reduces me passing it but doesn’t cure it.
I didn’t say anything about this to Jen when we met/started hooking up. There is no good excuse for my action. I could tell Jen was falling for me at a very fast rate and I made a promise to myself to tell her in couple months. I was having 0 symptoms and made sure to take the meds daily. I was in too deep and needed to be sure she REALLY liked me before I told her. I know, fucked up, but I am being honest.
Fast forward a few months, we get into an argument at a party. She pulls me aside and says, “so why did I find (insert medication name) at my place”. I was in shock. Speechless. I think she saw my reaction, and then told me, “I have it too”. Re-engage shock. It turns out Jen had it longer than I did. It was SUCH a relief! Down the road I ended up telling her the truth that I wanted to eventually disclose this. She honestly said she probably never would have told me. This didn’t bother me a ton but knowing we both knew and didn’t say anything to each other still lingers in my mind.
Skip to around the 1 year mark of dating. I am in love with Jen, and she loves me. The PA was not affecting me as much physically but was always on my mind. She still didn’t know about this. With both the PA and HSV, I felt VERY safe and comfortable around Jen. Around this time, I started noticing more of Jen’s introverted side.
I VERY much am a people person. I love to go out with friends, love talking to new people, and enjoy large gatherings. Jen does not as much, if at all. She has social anxiety which was surprising to me when I first learned as I thought she loved going out (she does with just me, not other people). Granted, I did not stay by her side all the time as I love interacting with new people. To be clear, this is NOT me flirting with other girls, but meeting new people. Most being guys, actually. I feel that her going out with me led to fights. Her being uneasy made her seem to react to normal things being a big problem. After a lot of continuous fights, she started to not go out and let me go out with friends. She enjoyed her personal space. To be clear – this around once a week, I did not go out to meet girls, and I ALWAYS invited her. It is my way of blowing off steam/having fun around people, and we hung out one on one most chances we got throughout the week.
Jen and I get into a BIG fight after a friend’s wedding. Jen was not acting like herself to the extent I thought she may have been on drugs (she was not). Skipping a lot of detail, I told her she needed to pursue therapy. She did for some time and I learned a lot. Jen has a had a very tough up bringing. She has been sexually assaulted, a mom that vanished after college, as well as family she no longer talks to for lets say, VERY good reasons. She had a lot she was dealing with, I supported her 100%.
It is now past the 2-year mark. My PA is really not effecting me a ton. I would deny Jen from time to time just because I felt I was not going to preform (and I felt really bad about it as she still didn’t know), but most of the time it would work. I didn’t really take the pills at all anymore. She loved the sex thank god, but sometimes I would try to finish or not switch positions because I didn’t want to lose it.
I want to go into what it is like for me to have PA. Jen and I had amazing moments. Whether traveling together, on a date, or a walk with our dog, I could tell she really enjoyed the moment because it was romantic. While I can understand this process, I am unsure it clicked for me. Those romantic moments I knew would lead to sex at some point, and I needed to prepare myself for that moment. Would I preform? How soon until she makes a move? Should I make the move? I put myself through hell because I can’t turn this off. Ever. And I think I have missed a lot of these relationship building moments.
Regardless, the times over the next few years I spent with Jen were great. Aside from the introvert/extrovert differences, she was perfect and I want to go over some traits I really like. I had a few extremely stressful times with work and she 100% supported me through them. Reassuring every positive strength I have and that I can do it. When ever I speak about this, I get really emotional and I really don’t know why (I even am right now). It only happened 2 or maybe 3 times but every time, she was there rooting me on. Aside from this she never fought with me when I continued to go out with our friends on Saturday night. Deep down I wish she would feel OK joining me but I understand. When together (we are living together now), I loved the way Jen appreciated things in the world. Such as a sunrise, a cool bird flying around, or maybe the trees changing colors. She didn’t just take a pic for the gram, she REALLY soaked it all in and I love that. I also trust Jen in any situation. I never question “is she up to something”. Our trust is real. Also, a big plus for me is Jen is pretty much always down for sexual stuff even to this day. I RARELY get denied (and I certainly do not take advantage of this). It made me feel even safer about my PA. and lastly, I feel safe with her. She is my safe space to be around and I am comfortable with her.
Mid way into year 3, I noticed Jen start talking about marriage. I knew she was hinting at it. I didn’t feel scared of it, I knew this is an event that will happen later. My parents didn’t marry until mid-30s and some of their logic may have rubbed off on me. When Jen brought this up, I would tell her how great things are going and that I do want to be married someday. This was not brought up often but looking back, I am sure it was in Jen’s head a lot.
I am going to cut this part down due to length of this post. All very important though. This year around April, Jen and I are having sex when suddenly I lose it (like 100%). Jen STILL doesn’t know about my PA and asks if she did something wrong which I assure it wasn’t her. I keep mentally declining over the weeks and am back on the pill. I need to address this for good. This hard because I was doing so good, and I lost it. I start hypnotherapy. I kind of worked but stop working so I go in for actual therapy. I tell Jen this is all “work stress” related. During this time Jen brings up our future and that she is having doubts due to me not moving forward. I want to assure her I am fine with it, but I feel something is missing on my end. I see how she is so great to me in SO many ways (I listed my top ones a while ago) , but I am trying to feel something that idk how to feel (I will get into this shortly). Each fight of this turns into me saying something like “I am aware of your feelings and your goals with me, I do want to get married one day”
I keep my therapist up to date on this. After A TON of convincing from my therapist, I tell Jen about the PA. She is super surprised as sex has always been good with us and she says there is no problem. I tell her that I feel when we met we were so different that I am not sure we would have started dating if it wasn’t for my PA to some extent. Jen takes this hard, as she probably should looking back at it. She gets emotional, words are exchanged and she says, “I feel like you love but are not in love with me” and this replayed in my head, but we drop it. I tell my therapist about this and that I feel I am missing something on a love level that I feel is due to this constant PA on a mental note. It’s like you have a favorite food, but whenever you are served it, you have a loaded gun to your head. You eat it but never really taste or enjoy it because you are focused on something else.
Jen has been upset. I am trying to work on me and us. And really, really want to fix both. I tell her I want to make a list of traits I love about her (all the key ones listed earlier in the post) differences, and things I feel and don’t feel. in time I finish this list and read it to her. Her and I agree I am with her for all the right reasons. Jen is such an amazing girl. I end it with the quote she told me “I feel like I love you but am not in love with you”. We both get emotional. Jen is putting me on the spot saying are we breaking up. I tell her I love her and I don’t know why I don’t feel these things. I am so angry at myself. She keeps asking and I say I think we might. I spoke under pressure. I was not ready. I still don’t know if I meant it or not. This was a week ago. Jen is crushed, I am crushed and don’t know what to do. Please hear me out on this next part.
I beg the reader to put them self’s in my shoes. I honestly need people’s opinions/ideas/anything to help as we have a deadline on our relationship by Sunday. It is fair, as Jen is really not doing well and I can’t stand to see her like this. This was her idea but I am not fighting it, and don’t want others to fight it either. I know I love Jen. I know she is great for me. I fear I have spent too much time in my head to EVER feel a relationship building moment. I was there for all the motions, but I don’t think I have ever felt a single one. I blame this on me and I am so overwhelmed by what I have done to myself and us. I don’t know if this is how “true love” is supposed to feel? I feel like losing Jen may be something I would regret forever. I am taking a break from this, but will respond to people when I log back. Thank you all in advance.