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Official r/NFL Week 0 Power Rankings
|1.||Chiefs||12-4||The Chiefs are reigning Super Bowl champions. The sentence still feels like a fever dream even now to most Chiefs fans, but it is the current reality. Patrick Mahomes, the demi-god of Kansas City, is back with a half a billion-dollar contract and is as hungry as ever for more championships. After an offseason of Brett Veach handing out millions of dollars in extensions, the Andy Reid led Chiefs are favorites to win the whole thing again in a Covid-19 filled season. Let the high flying year commence.|
|2.||Ravens||14-2||Ravens: Expectations are high, schedule is easy on paper, and aside from an unproven linebacker and WR corps the Ravens seem to have improved everywhere from last year. Most teams have, though, and sadly games aren't played on paper. Can Baltimore keep it up when after losing ET3 and Marshall Yanda? Will they crap the bed against the Browns early in the season again? How are the wide receivers? No idea, but this blurb is just here to serve as a welcome to the clusterfuck that is the first few weeks of the regular season.|
|3.||49ers||13-3||The Super Bowl Runner up 49ers enter the new year with few notable losses, hoping that roster stability will continue the team's recent success.|
|4.||Saints||13-3||Not since Nicholas Flamel has someone come as close to alchemy as Mickey Loomis. With one of the most consistent creative coaches in Sean Payton, if Brees holds it together for one more year New Orleans is on track to be as competitive as ever.|
|5.||Seahawks||11-5||Jadeveon wasn't here to stay, hopefully Jamal is. He'll be paired with Pete Carroll, heavily upgrading from his last coach pairing of Gase/Gregg Williams. Unlike his refusal to let Russell Wilson play a real first quarter of football, Pete is a proven defensive mind and Jamal has never had work ethic issues. It'll be tough to crab walk out of the bucket that is the NFC WEST.|
|6.||Packers||13-3||Another year in a West Coast offense could pay dividends for Rodgers, who woke up one morning in April to see Favre's reflection staring back at him. Love could be the long term answer for the Pack, who are already one of the most happily-spoiled QB teams in history. If not, LaFleur likely will be coaching somewhere warmer.|
|7.||Cowboys||8-8||The Cowboys overhauled their two greatest issues this off-season: Kicker and coaching staff. There were some key departures in guys like Robert Quinn, Byron Jones, and Fredbeard the Conqueror, but they at least have a plan that's good on paper to address all that. If it all works out, the sky's the limit.|
|8.||Buccaneers||7-9||This will either be yet another example of Arians' track record with first year quarterbacks, or another ring for Tompa Brady's Gauntlet. There isn't time for anything in between.|
|9.||Titans||9-7||The run to the AFC Championship game by the Titans was unexpected to most of the league and not reflective of where the team was to start the 2019-2020 season. After making the switch at QB to Tannehill a different Titans team emerged and finished the year with a 9-4 record after week 7. Going into 2020 the Titans have signed Tannehill and Henry to long term contracts, keeping the core offense together and made some high upside signings on defense with Clowney and Beasley to try and boost the defensive line pressure. The key, as it always is for the Titans, will be if the QB can stay healthy throughout the year. The Titans have not had 1 QB start all 16 games since 2011, when Matt Hasselbeck lead the Titans to a... 9-7 record.|
|10.||Vikings||10-6||The Vikings had a whirlwind of an offseason, headlined by trading away Stefon Diggs, trading for Yannick Ngakoue, promoting Gary Kubiak to offensive coordinator and selecting a record 15 players in the 2020 NFL draft. With seven 2020 pro bowlers on the roster, the Vikings have the top-end talent to make some noise in the playoffs, but to get there in the first place they'll need to overcome some massive holes in the trenches and all the question marks surrounding the callow cornerbacks and receivers.|
|11.||Bills||10-6||Without fans in the stands, Bills games will look and sound different than ever before. BillsMafia will still don their zubaz, they will still crack their Labatts, and many may still break their tables, but now from the comfort and (relative) safety of their homes. In Cheektowaga there will be driveway dizzy-bats. In Amherst fans will go through the flip-cup table they’ve erected on their lawns. And in the city proper, Bills fans will have their speakers ready to blast the Shout Song after a score, all in the hopes that Josh Allen and the Buffalo Bills can deliver the city a much-needed championship. Will Allen take that final step forward and help carry this loaded roster to the promised land? Or will the Bills return to the ways of mediocrity? Either way, BillsMafia was born ready.|
|12.||Steelers||8-8||The Steelers enter the 2020 Beer Bug season looking down the barrel of a completely loaded Ravens team. The Black and Gold find themselves very much in the underdog's position. In a preaseason of unknowns and little evidence to go on, could Pittsburgh strike WR gold again with Chase Claypool? There's quite a bit of hype there and the Steelers need people to step up and take pressure off of Smith-Schuster.|
|13.||Patriots||12-4||Its a whole new world.|
|14.||Eagles||9-7||The Eagles entered the off-season needing to address both their secondary and receiving corp, both of which were at or near worst in the NFL last year. Major upgrades were made across both units, and the Eagles fanbase is hopeful this year won't be a repeat of last, especially with the NFC East in dismal shape. Everything is predicated on Carson Wentz now, who needs a healthy year to detract naysayers.|
|15.||Texans||10-6||BoB the GM continues to perplex. The Watson contract is great, and ties down the best QB the Texans have ever had for the foreseeable future. But, he traded our best WR for basically peanuts. There are all kinds of rumors swirling around about why this happened, but the end product is that the Texans are unequivocally worse off without Nuk. For all jokes about the GM/Head Coach/Imperator perpetuo of the Texans, the team is better than most give it credit for. Time will tell how big the Hopkins trade will impact the team.|
|16.||Rams||9-7||Over the offseason, the Rams lost Todd Gurley, Brandin Cooks, Aqib Talib, Dante Fowler, Cory Littleton, Clay Matthews, Greg Zuerlein, DC Wade Phillips, and ST John Fassel. They do have a shiny new stadium and amazing new logo, which should offset these losses. Super Bowl or bust. #hornsup|
|17.||Colts||7-9||If one can possibly compartmentalize, then 2020 would offer an optimistic outlook for Colts fans. A trade for one of the best players in the league and getting whatever's left in Rivers' tank signals a move of the proverbial chips to the pot. There are so many 'if's at this point, it would be fruitless to discuss them further. We'll take this week by week in what will surely be the most surreal NFL season of all.|
|18.||Falcons||7-9||The Falcons enter the season with a veteran loaded coaching staff, the oldest roster in the NFL, and one of the few teams without opt outs. If consistency means more in 2020's unique season, then Atlanta might have fallen backwards into the keys of success. With leadership at key positions across the board it's hard not to be hopeful.|
|19.||Cardinals||5-10-1||Excitement and expectations are higher than they've been in quite awhile for the Cardinals. Kyler Murray will be looking to make a leap after winning rookie of the year honors and has a lot more help this season after the team magically acquired DeAndre Hopkins and managed to dump David Johnson's terrible contract at the same time. They'll get an immediate test as they face the reigning NFC champions this weekend.|
|20.||Broncos||7-9||Uh, football? I think?|
|21.||Raiders||7-9||Raiders fans are always optimistic at this time of year, and we are ready to be hurt once again.|
|22.||Browns||6-10||NFL season sneaked up on us.|
|23.||Bears||8-8||Chicago looks to bounce back from an underwhelming team defensive performance that "only" ranked fifth by PPG in 2019. Their expectations are higher than ever, as the defense also has the job of playing so well that the general populace forgets what Trubisky is capable of.|
|24.||Chargers||5-11||Fresh off of their Hard Knocks appearance, the Chargers will feature a brand new offense with a promising rookie QB in the wings and a defense that looks to improve with new additions like Linval Joseph and CHJ. As they get set to take on Joe Burrow and the Bengals in Week 1, the biggest question looms large: How long will this season actually last? Will we actually get to answer any questions this year about the post-Rivers era Chargers?|
|25.||Lions||3-12-1||The Detroit Lions have made a science of keeping the emotional roller coaster chugging along. From the injury plagued 2019 season with Stafford missing half the season with an injury, and Kenny Golladay still leading the NFL in TD's... to signing AD and Stafford vowing for an MVP race. If the Lions can avoid injury, there's reason to believe in a playoff appearance and even a win. One thing is certain, the offense is going to be a force to be reckoned with.|
|26.||Dolphins||5-11||There's high hopes floating around the Dolphins as they enter year 2 of a multi-year rebuild. Will those hopes come tumbling down as they often do, or will Flores unleash Fitzmagic and show some improvement in a squad that vastly outperformed what people thought of them last year.|
|27.||Giants||4-12||It can be a slippery slope trying to emulate Bill Belichick. Rookie HC Joe Judge, though, seems to have taken command of this Giants team while still having fun and caring about the players. While nothing earns fan adoration quite like winning football games, most Giants fan would agree this year that seeing second-year passer Danny Dimes take strides forward is enough to get excited about. The G-Men face a tough schedule all year, but week 1 may prove to be especially daunting. The Steelers were a defensive monster in 2019 that dragged Mason Rudolph and Duck Hodges kicking and screaming to an 8-8 record. With Big Ben back at the helm, Monday night will prove to be a serious challenge for a Giants team with new faces on both sides of the ball.|
|28.||Jets||7-9||Sending Jamal Adams to Seattle is a big emotional blow for Jets fans, but the price can't be ignored and certainly puts the team in position to put young talent around Sam Darnold. As long as he can keep his tongue in his mouth, Darnold should have an opportunity to prove a lot about the Jets future in 2020.|
|29.||Panthers||5-11||The odds are stacked against Carolina, especially with first year NFL coach Matt Rhule coming from the NCAA. Stranger things have happened in the NFC South, and for better or for worse, starting QB Teddy Bridgewater could be the deciding factor.|
|30.||Bengals||2-14||The Bengals may start the season near the bottom of most power rankings, but where they finish will depend on how league ready Joe Burrow is. By most accounts he has been very sharp in practice, but without a proper pre-season we won't really know how ready he is until the games start. But for now, optimism is very high in Cincinnati.|
|31.||Washington FT||3-13||After a smooth and mostly quiet off-season with very little fuss or drama, The Red- I mean Football Team will finally take the field. With a new coach, Head Coach having named their starting quarterback, Quarterback and their number two draft choice, Defensive End we’re ready to see what Football Team looks like.|
|32.||Jaguars||6-10||During the offseason, the Jacksonville Jaguars made so many moves, this blurbist was unable to keep up with all of the roster changes. At the very least, there's only 12 players left from the nearly Super Bowl squad. This might be rough.|
TIFU by taking money from the mob
I wrap up what I'm working on and our business is concluded. There's talk about bringing me on full time at some point but they're not prepared to do that at this stage, alluding heavily to finances. I'm in the very fortunate position where I'm not working pay cheque to pay cheque, so I can bide my time a little bit until the right opportunity comes my way. So I'm wrapping up some loose ends on personal projects and smaller contracts for a couple of weeks and I get a text from George asking if I want to meet his business partner for a potential opportunity.
I oblige and meet up with the two of them at their offices. They want to bring me on permanently to work on an upcoming project. It sounds promising except for the fact that the guy talks. And talks. And talks. I learn that he is 75, that he has a 20 year old girlfriend, that he's run successful businesses for decades, that he's very rich and drives expensive cars. The guy is a bit eccentric and boastful but I don't really care as long as they can pay me to do the job they're asking of me and it sounds like they can. I try to direct the conversation back to what we came to talk about and throw numbers at them for what I'm looking for in terms of compensation. I let him know that I need a proper machine to work with, he asks me how much mine costs and I told him. He laughs, says "how about I give you $10k to buy what you need?". The conversation is derailed constantly and I don't get a clear answer on much of anything. The only thing that's clear is that they're looking for a commitment from me if they're going to do business with me. I leave what turns out to be a 4 hour long conversation feeling exhausted and having no idea if we actually came to an agreement on anything at all.
I get his contact details from George and call him to arrange another meeting, letting him know I'm interested but would like to hammer out specific details.
I meet him at his offices without George this time, at the time we discussed. I'm very punctual so I was right on time. He pops out of a meeting he's in and asks how much time I've got, that he has to run an errand around the corner. I'm thinking this is ridiculous and I'm a bit pissed off because he's not valuing my time. But whatever, I'll wait 15 minutes in the lobby for him to come back and I'll just use it as a bargaining chip if I need to.
Somehow - some fucking how - I end up getting dragged to come along with this guy to run this errand. Super unprofessional but, again, not wanting to be rude and against my better judgment I oblige his very pushy "request" to hop in his vehicle. We're driving, he's talking, he's asking me to do little things like "can you grab that black book in the rear seat there?" and "ok now can you put it back?" when he's done with it. He talks some more, asks about family, says if I get into business with him he'll take care of not only me but my wife and family too. Talks about a relationship he had with a friend who he helped come to the country, let him live in his house, gave him a car, paid him a good salary and the guy ended up betraying him. He's not around anymore, he says. Turns out the companies he runs are in the construction business. He knows all the guys in construction - Italians, he comments, pausing before letting me know it's mafia controlled. I'd heard rumours about that in my area but I'll be damned if it isn't chilling to hear someone who might be involved with it say it to your face. He talks about how he's hiring me to "do programming" but he might ask me to do other things, he uses mopping the floors as an example and says I shouldn't think I'm above doing things like that - after all I'll still be getting paid my usual salary to mop the floor. In retrospect I now understand the car ride - he was angling to see how agreeable I am. First it's "come with me for a car ride" and "grab this book and put it away", then it's "mop the floors", and before you know it it's "here, take this and drop it off at this address. Don't look inside".
He takes me to the parking lot of a women's gym and hops out. After about 10 minutes he hops back in with a brown paper bag. He laughs, says it's "pizza". He later tells me he was joking, it's actually $50,000 in cash. I'm... speechless. Why is this guy picking up $50k in cash from god knows who in a parking lot?
We go back to his office and finally have the conversation we were supposed to be having but at this point I'm looking for the door, so I'm being way more forceful with him thinking we either nail something down today or I'm walking, and he continues to be shifty saying he wants to put a smaller amount than what we discussed on paper, but don't worry I'll still get paid the full amount. I'll be taken care of, whatever I need. He keeps derailing the conversation, talking about how he's started the company years ago and he's put 100k or more for years more than the company makes. Thinking back on it, I'm wondering if this business is a mafia front, possibly a money laundering operation. Again I try to redirect the conversation back to the contract. I reference the original meeting where they asked me to make a commitment to them. I'm an idiot and haven't really connected the dots yet so I let him know I'm prepared to do that but I need a commitment from them in return and I ask for clarification. What are we talking about here? 3 months? 6 months? a year? He looks me square in the eyes, deadpan, and says "no no, when I get into business with someone... it's for life".
I'm chilled to the bone and at this point that little voice inside your head, that gut feeling you have, that innate intuition is screaming bloody fucking murder at me and I'm looking for an exit strategy. I end up telling him I'm not okay with the contract situation, thank him for the opportunity, apologize that we couldn't come to an agreement, and get up to leave because at this point I'm pretty sure I'm getting myself into something I'm not going to be able to get myself out of.
He stops me, says we can put the smaller amount on one contract and the other amount in another contract. I ask him what his reasons are and I call him out for being shady - in retrospect an incredibly stupid thing to do to a mobster but I reiterate that I'm not a smart man - and let him know I'm not comfortable doing business that way, but he's a talker and he has this way of convincing you while directing the conversation to other places, sort of assuming you agree with him and not really allowing you to object because now you're talking about other things. So we somehow "come to an agreement" for two separate contracts. He brings me back into his office to talk about what I need to get started - namely the computer I had referenced in our first conversation. I told him again what I thought it would cost. I'd build it then invoice them for it. Dude shakes his head "no no", reaches into his shoulder bag he's had on his person the entire time, and pulls out a massive wad of cash. Flips out $3k in crisp $100 bills and counts it out on his desk.
Then he says he needs a favour of me. I just about shit myself at this point because I'm thinking "here it comes, here's the old 'on your way home could you drop this package off for me?'". Fortunately, it's not quite that bad. He tells me their computer systems are out of date and could I build him another computer. A brand new computer... that has to have a floppy drive. I laugh - again, I'm not that smart - and ask him why he wants to build a new computer with ancient technology, that I'm not even sure I can get a floppy drive, and even if I could I don't think I can connect that to a newer motherboard because the interfaces have changed since that era, and I point out his older machines probably already have a floppy drive. He's shifty again, doesn't address my questions directly, just says he needs it because he has a lot of floppy disks and wants to know what's on them. He can see I don't buy it, so he clarifies "You know what it is? A while back I had people break into my house and steal a safe from me." - He makes a point to tell me that these people broke in through the roof. They're clearly not amateurs. - "I know I had some floppy disks in there but I don't know if the information I'm looking for was on those or the ones I have". I end the conversation quickly by suggesting I'd try to get an external drive he can hook up to his laptop and I wrap things up so I can get the hell out of there.
So now I'm sitting here with $3000 of mob money in my pocket, I'm kicking myself wondering how I could be so stupid to take it, that I should have politely declined, and now I don't know what to do to get out of this. If I try to back out, if I try to give the money back, I'm afraid they're going to shake me down with the old "$3k? What you mean $3k? There was $10k" routine.
So how's your Friday going, reddit?
TL;DR Went for a job interview, took $3k in cash from a mobster to build a work computer, want to back out and give the money back but pretty sure he's going to shake me down.